Saving on Cooling Costs: A Parody

17 Jun

When you write about saving money all day, every day, some topics are inevitably more compelling than others. I tend to get distracted on sunny Friday afternoons like this one, when I’d rather be feeling the breeze on my face with cocktail in hand than writing about saving money on summer cooling costs. So, at the suggestion of a most beloved coworker, I drafted the following parody as a much-needed diversion. Read these six tips at your own risk.

40+280 Heat by Bark via Flickr Creative Commons

40+280 Heat by Bark via Flickr Creative Commons

#IceBucketChallenge, all day, err day.
Sure, we all pretended the ice bucket challenge was actually a challenge at peak heat in July. In truth, it’s exactly what we needed, which is why conducting an #IceBucketChallenge every half hour between June and September just makes good sense. Don’t let those hippie environmentalists from California shame you into stopping, either; there’s no such thing as a drought.

Become a nudist.
When people complain about how hot it is, do you notice how much clothing their wearing? Vitamin D is good for us, people. The next time you feel the urge to complain about the heat, strip. It will cool you down while performing the public duty of distracting everyone else from the weather.

Spend your weekends at the mall (and sleep at the office).
To compensate for the unsavory summer conditions, retail establishments and office parks around the country set their thermostats to arctic-like depths. Simply change your summer plans so you can sleep at the office and spend your weekends trolling the malls like a moody, prepubescent teen.

Build a tent around your house.
Why anyone hasn’t thought of this before is beyond us. Simply closing your blinds in the morning isn’t nearly as thorough as building a custom tent made from solar-blocking fabric around your entire abode. Sure, it’s expensive, but this is an investment your comfort. If you don’t want to go to the trouble of building a tent yourself, import a bunch of termites into your home and commission a whole-house fumigation, then request the tent remain intact. You paid for it, after all.

Hire a personal fanner.
It worked for Julius Caesar, so why not you? Place a personal ad for a personal fanner or two and have them follow you around wherever you go. If anyone finds this arrangement curious, just tell them you’re creating jobs.

Attend a hot yoga class.
This one doesn’t sound right, but hear me out. Most hot yoga classes are between 85 to 102 degrees, plus humid as Satan’s armpit. For those living in the sauna that is the south, these classes will feel cool by comparison. For those whining about 80-degree dry heat, you’ll likely die of heat exposure 20 minutes into class and weather will no longer be a top concern.

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